Harriet Levi R.I.P.

https://youtu.be/eZ_P2ok0X54?si=2A-6EpJuUZYj7p0M peace like a river art show http://www.artistliszt.com/galleries/levi-h.html art gallery https://youtu.be/Y5wwFXeGozY?si=6rrYWEEfPKP0uZQ8 boxed art show mult art gallery show https://youtu.be/T1uuo3GN5Lw?si=GCN5nJQxsolrWkZJ feed the birds! snow report https://youtu.be/6W0ZEs3V4hE?si=cISabA6OCpsc0Nkw Harriet with grandson https://youtu.be/wSEy69O_a4A?si=YATDSe1X4LveW7mM Two short movie reviews by Harriet. Scroll halfway down the page to find the audio links. http://www.ibiblio.org/cdeemer/Audio.htm (hold finger on link)

I am close to a point where my comments here will become repetitive, and I don't want that. There has been a little of this already. So I will be writing less and less. When I get Harriet's ashes and set up a memorial for her here, I'll post a photo and write no more. But I'll keep this blog online and alive for the possible interest of her family and friends. i say "possible" because I have no sense whatever if anyone visits this blog. There was one early comment by a daughter, a very interesting one, but otherwise there is no evudence that anyone else has ever been here.  In a phone call, a friend of Harriet's told me there are memories and sharing about Harriet on Facebook. I don't do Social Media, and not even this will get me to join. Despite positive aspects, as far as I'm concerned, the main contribution of Social Media has been to give crazy extremists a way to find one another. I am reminded of why poet Lew Welch left the growing hell of C...

Almost midnight. Went to been early, dog tired, but couldn't sleep. Tossing, turning, grieving. The pits. Got up and said, "Alexa, continue" and cool jazz started playing. Instant relief! I felt, and feel as I write this, so much better. The Mulligan/Getz Cure https://cdgrief.blogspot.com/2025/02/the-mulligangetz-cure.html  Thanks, Brad, for coining the name. I've been wondering why this works. It might be by expanding the context of grief, changing my small personal grief into a larger grief that is part of the human condition. As my brother once wrote, "Life is a nice place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there."

 Ah, the things we do under stress! In my enthusiasm to get rid of clutter, I managed to throw away a TV remote! Just reordered.

 Today I removed 3 more bags of clutter, taking them to garbage. I should be able to finish up decluttering in two or three days. My first pick up of donations is Tuesday. I am using the Vietnam Veterans of America. I anticipate doing this once or twice a week until I'm done. In a week Harriet's oldest son and one of her best friends are coming over to help me with Harriet's personal items. A productive day. But last night sucked,  I couldn't sleep. As noted here earlier, nights are harder for me than days.

 I haven't experienced loneliness in a very long time.  Even though I've been without my parents and two best friends for a while, and missed them, I didn't feel lonely as a result. My best friend and I didn't live in the same town. When I thought of him, as I do to this day, he didn' t seem "gone." He seems "away," as ever. Far different now! With Harriet gone, I feel intensely lonely. I've been going to the dining room just to be around people.  At dinner tonight one resident told me she she didn't know I could talk so much. With Harriet alive, and focused on her, I otherwise kept to myself. I text with my three designated next of kin, which helps a lot. But I wish I had "a buddy" to fill in for Harriet.

 Not only do I have a four-part plan, already begun, I've put together two long-range goals to begin after I've transformed this apartment into a minimalist living space. 1 Start writing again, focusing on literary short stories, which is where my career began. Full circle. 2. Show a series of my digital films here. I have shown two, which went over well. I have a dozen more. Goals feel like motivation to get through this.

 Until a  moment ago, ir's been a great morning. Rose feeling good and almost rested, had a nice breakfast in the dining room. Came home, put on cool jazz, and started dealing with clutter, most going into garbage bags. Then suddenly out of nowhete, bam! and I lost it. I'm still recovering. I've been told recovery from losing a spouse is a long process. Took one man a year. I hope forewarned is forearmed. 

 When I started this blog just a few days ago I was adding remarks like crazy. But I'm into a rhythm doing my Plan now and will be having less to say. In a few weeks,  when I pick up her ashes and finish a memorial for her here, I'll add a photo of it and wrap this blog up. It will have had a short but (to me) a useful and important life.

 I must have gotten some sleep because, rising at 530 a.m. I don't feel half bad. I don't remember having any grief attacks last night. I think I'll even go to the dining room for breakfast unless I end up going back to bed. I'll continue de-cluttering today. I've already done enough to see a difference. I work slowly and so far prefer working alone, while listening to jazz.

 My expressions of grief are primarily vocal. My eyes well up and tears may flow. They last from 5 seconds to a minute. They can come at any time without warning. I'm brushing my teeth one moment and bawling the next. I probably could use another really hard cry but I haven't had one since the several I had on the afternoon and night of her death.

 I won't really know where I stand financially until I meet with Social Security in April, the soonest I could get an appointment (!). But even at that, I don't have to stress out about money in the foreseeable future.  By my rough guesstimate, in a worst case scenario I have 4 years here before freaking out about money, in a best case 7 years. So I would say it's more than 50-50 that I die right here. I hope so. Speakiing of which: today I watched the satiric video I made with residents here. There's a scene with six actors who have all passed away since the shoot. 

I've had four experiences with spreading ashes: my mother, father and two best friends. I dreaded going to the funeral home to arrange for Harriet's cremation. To my surprise the visit did not upset me, due mostly to the skill of the woman I dealt with, who already had important necessary things started. She had a way of making me relaxed even under the circumstances. The meeting lasted only fifteen minutes. And it cost much less than I anticipated. I am keeping her ashes in an urn, so our ashes can be spread together after I pass. Cremation is more popular than ever but the experience isn't perfect.  Here is a poem about spreading my mother's ashes, from my book of poems, In My Old Age. Applegate   Under a warm sun in a blue sky  we spread my mother's ashes  in the Applegate  at her favorite fishing hole.   This was a special place.  When we returned,  we knew we'd find her perched on a rock  line dangling in the river  crossw...

 My grief is more intense after dinner than through the day. And I have a hard time sleeping, restless naps through a very long night. When I see my new doctor next month, maybe he'll give me something.